My mother used to say, “Never judge a book by its cover, but always judge a Netflix movie by its thumbnail.” Keeping that advice in mind, I combed through thousands of movies streaming on Netflix as we speak to find the 25 with the most absolutely horrendous covers available for your viewing displeasure. Twenty-five movie covers that raise the question: “How did anyone possibly star and direct in me?” Giving thousands of Netflix customers no other choice than to pity-stream it and find out. And now, I’d like to share those titles with you in this handy list: The 25 Worst Movie Covers on Netflix.
25. Norwegian Ninja
Norway is a mysterious country, one whose Wikipedia page leaves more questions than answers. (Trust me on this.) In fact, a Web site listing “11 Things Norway Is Famous For” starts off strong (fjords, Vikings) but begins to lose faith in itself somewhere around 4 or 5 (trolls, whale meat). But no Norwegian mystery could possibly top Norwegian Ninja (adorably known to locals as Kommandør Treholt & Ninjatroppen.) It is an action flick? A comedy? A Game of Thrones parody? One thing is certain: this movie will earn at LEAST a bronze in the Sochi 2014 Olympics. (Barring any pre-game homosexual activity.)
24. Matchmaker Mary
Judging this film by its cover, one might think this is a movie about a mom matchmaking her 11-year-old daughter before you-know-who starts visiting her ladyparts once a month. (Her stepdad.) But no. According to its description, it’s a movie about a SIX-YEAR-OLD (Mary) who USES PUPPIES to bring together lonely, heartbroken single people looking for any sort of companionship whatsoever. It’s really more about adopting . . . each other. But things take a turn for the “majority of marriages” when Mary’s own parents begin to get divorcey feelings for one another. BRIGHT SIDE: This movie is FULL OF PUPPIESAHHH!!!
23. Little Tony
This film follows the story of an illiterate farmer. Thanks to the spoiler-alert cover, now we know why: pigeon parents. Before you say anything, yes, I want to see this one.
22. The Fast and the Furious
Nowwwwww is this the one that took place in Tokyo? Or is this 2 Fast 2 Furious One? I ask because I’ve never actually seen a single film from the franchise. But judging by this cover, a more appropriate title would probably be The Slow and the What Are You Waiting for It’s a Green Light Let’s Go Grandpa.
21. Sophie & Sheba
According to its summary, the plot of this movie is so ridiculous my fingers physically cannot type out what happens. But what is pretty amazing is that a movie with a budget of a Starbucks Gift Card was able to train an elephant to sit on a wall. Crazy stuff. Spoiler alert: someone gets stamped to death at the end, but I won’t say who!
20. 8000 Miles 2: Girls Rapper
Who’s the star of this thing? Feminem? Thank you and goodnight!
I personally appreciate that someone took the time to download the 2003 version of MS Paint in order to create this timeless cover of two-time Golden Globe winner Angie Dickinson along with the sluttiest font of the late 90s. My heart is all *UNDER CONSTRUCTION GIF.*
- Mujhse Fraaandship Karoge
And you didn’t think there was a Bollywood version of Catfish, did you? Well, there is. Accept my FB fraaand request and I’ll tell you all about it.
17. Gabe the Cupid Dog
OH GOD, HIS HUMAN EYES. (BTW Gabe, have you met Matchmaker Mary? I think you guys would totally hit it off. She’s like 11? 12? Great personality. Reads at a fifth-grade level . . . uch and her collages. You would die, they’re amazing.)
- Fashion Model
This is either a whodunit murder mystery or a verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry specific kind of old-timey pornography. Either way, color me sold. Do you have any idea what they’re going to do to this “Fashion Model” in prison? He’ll be “Doing the Dutch” in no time.
15. Big Money Rustlas
There are three things in this world that will bring me to my knees, begging God for mercy: clowns, roaches, and Westerns. The Big Money Rustlas cover manages to combine all three of these things! It’s like Guy Fieri and Marcel Marceau made a left turn at Albuquerque and opened up the pawn shop in Pulp Fiction together. This cover is what happened to Marsellus Wallace.
14. Note to Self
Note to self: Watch this immediately and tell no one.
13. Fat City New Orleans
Hasn’t this city been through enough?
The Munchie cover was actually so creepy I was ready to bury it deep in my Howard the Duckfile (a file overflowing with stills from the Howard the Duck sex scene that forever ruined the act for me). But I have a job to do. Munchie is actually the sequel to Munchies, because for the sequel, they decided one is better. Next in the trilogy? Zero Munchies.
Ever wondered how bad things were for Kevin Spacey before House of Cards? Meet Inseparable. The pitch probably went a little something like this: “4 words: Frasier meets Iron Man.” Only more like this: “4个字：老张满足钢铁侠.” The movie was produced in China, so for this, I’m doing my best to give Kevin one “Brad Pitt in a Japanese Honda commercial” pass. Still, it’s hard not to side-eye the guy for taking on this project. As one YouTube commenter put it: “I wonder how low the budget was. All the music in the trailer are free Apple jingles.”
10. The Infidel
At first glance, this cover gave me uncomfy feelings in my Jewy stomach (shockingly, full of gluten as we speak). But then the description—“An identity crisis comedy centered on Mahmud Nasir, successful business owner, and salt of the earth East End Muslim who discovers that he’s adopted—and Jewish”—made it official. I gotta see this thing!
To be fair, it’s directed by Uwe Boll, notoriously the worst director of all time. Then again, the movie is about an obese woman whose footsteps cause explosions. And they say there are no good roles for plus-size actresses anymore! Excuse me one second, just gonna hop out of this chair and grab some smoked almond—** entire apartment blows up *
8. I’m Still Here
By far my least favorite installment in the Muppets franchise.
7. Gregory’s Girl
Gregory’s girl must hate being followed around by that Dudley Moore impersonator. Oh, actually wait, he murdered her, it’s fine.
6. Marrying the Mafia 3
You would THINK the guy would know from Marrying the Mafia 1 and 2 that it’s just not a great idea to marry into the Mafia. But you know these South Koreans! (Making a successful comedy franchise that takes their country by storm.)
5. Angel Dog
Aww, what a sweet puppy face. And judging by this cover, I’m sure this movie is perfect for all children. Let’s check out the summary: “This heartwarming film is about a dog named Cooper who is the lone survivor of a terrible car accident.” Oh, kind of a depressing start. Surely it picks up: “Jake, a family patriarch, loses his wife and children in the accident.” Allllright. Um, probably not right for my childr—“Not being a dog person, Jake is angry and resentful toward the dog for even surviving.” ANGEL DOG, WHY YOU MAKE ME CRY?
4. Leave Em Laughing
I . . . no, just keep reading on. Keep going, next!
3. 1313 UFO Invasion
Now here’s a movie I can really GET BEHIND. And surely these guys would not push me away in disgust! A friend of mine whose name will go unmentioned (hi, Dan) has actually seen this film. He brought it up to me at a cocktail party we both attended (via Gchat). Without giving any of the plot away, “nothing happens for 90 minutes.” And this cover . . . Reverse side-eye, ma’am. Reverse. Side-eye.
2. A Talking Cat?!?
Who am I kidding WATCHING THIS AS WE SPEAK. Meow that’s what I call FILMMAKING.
1. Titanic II
Rub your eyes a few more times, but this will still be here. Yes, girls!!! There is a Titanic sequel. The plot is almost EXACTLY the same (as is the budget, I THINK), only this time, the iceberg actually seeks the ship out. You might say the movie stars the poor man’s Leonardo DiCaprio, but, really, isn’t everyone? I just really hope Billy Zane survives a second time! (Didn’t check the cast list, assuming he’s in it.) The real twist here is that the actress who played the old woman in the first Titanic lived long enough to see this. RIP4VR Gloria.
I am sure there are some movies that I missed. Feel free to tweet your picks for the worst Netflix movie covers to me @bilawalshams